I...God, I don't know.

3 min read

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jeni-stark's avatar
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Things are changing a lot lately. I feel like I'm trying to tear myself apart.  School's ending for good, I just got a new job that I'm actually NOT perfect at, I'm going to be heading off to college and everyone's going in different directions and I just...

I don't know.

I remembering constantly looking forward to the day when things would change and be different and overwhelm me with new possibilities.  But now...I think I've developed Stockholm Syndrome in the face of the ordinary.  

It's practically engrained in my personality to get out there and be carefree and reckless but being forced so long to NOT do that, makes the process absolutely terrifying. And this perfectionist thing I got going on, it's causing me such a level of anxiety that I just want to throw up and hope the physical response makes me feel better.

And as much as I hate to say it, I might actually miss my shit-hole of a school. There are a few people I would really hate to be without, even if they sometimes piss me the f*ck off. I seem to really depend on them in a way, as much as that pains me to think.

I don't know if I can pull myself away from the ordinary long enough to figure out how to jump into the recklessness I feel my life should always consist of. When it's something fun, the anxiety feels freeing and there's no real place to do wrong. But when it's something not fun (like my damned job), it just becomes this overwhelming pit of fear that I have a full instinct to run away from.

I CANNOT FAIL. EVER.  And the idea that I might not be liked or I might make a mistake or do something completely wrong almost makes me want to kill myself. And it's inevitable, I KNOW it is but, f*ck, I can't deal with the idea that there might be people who will give me a look like I'm the stupidest piece of sh*t they ever laid eyes on. I feed off of praise and compliments and "good job"s and I took that sh*t for granted until I realized that I wasn't getting them anymore.

Call me narcississtic, call me histronic, call me pathetic. But I don't know if I'm willing to go through the torturous process to fix myself. That's just...not something I've ever done.  If it causes me some sort of severe emotional anxiety, I will just get as f*cking far away from it as possible.

Ugh. -end rant-

I have to go vomit.
© 2009 - 2024 jeni-stark
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Projectile-Puddings's avatar
You don't need fixing.

I think it would do you good to see how people veiw you, so ... I'm going to share with you how you project your unique brand of awesomeness.

People want to be your friends because you make it so hard to get close to you. Even if you don't pay people any attention at all, they still admire you to the point of fanaticism. You have this way about you that just says rockstar. And as kiss-ass as that all sounds it's true.

That's why when you say the things you say, people believe you can do it, even if they say otherwise. Remember when we told Bon bon about TCV and he became Sexy Fan # One? No one laughed or looked at us weird because it makes sense.(plus if anyone fucks with us, I'll cut them. period.)


And GODDAMMIT if we fail. Because that would just be freakin stupid.

Anyway my point is- you're amazing, so deal with it.